IT’S MOTHER’S DAY BUT YOU’RE NOT HERE
I Miss My Mum
Mother’s Day is coming they all say, but you’re not here. Reminders at every turn, gifts and cards everywhere providing sharp little jabs to hammer home that you’re not here.
I’m a mother but I’m without a mother, a strange conundrum, a spiky mix of feelings. So happy to be a Mummy, but as sad as ever to be motherless. Maybe even more sad because with every year that passes I love my kids and our family life more, and noticing your absence becomes harder.
What would you look like now, what would we do this Mother’s Day – if you were here? Afternoon tea? A girls day out, roast with all the family? Would we talk on the phone every day, go shopping, share lows and highs and giggles and sighs? Maybe we’d fight – perhaps you’d drive me mad? I doubt that.
Whisper of a Memory
But with only the whisper of a memory left from you not being here all these years means I don’t know, I’m not sure, I can reach for the memory but I just can’t quite grab it – so I carry on wondering. Feeling your absence, loving my kids and knowing you are here really, in the thoughts that I have. The voice that I hear, and the small fleeting memories that I do still have of being safe and very loved.
Sometimes the distance feels so far to stretch, the 37 years of you’re being gone. I forget how to look in the right place to find you. You’re here in the decisions I make, the way that I love, the child that I was and the woman that I am. That’s when I know through your love that you are here.
That love doesn’t go, it’s not gone, you’re not here but that love is.